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At its core, group sex is a human interaction. To be successful it requires two-way communication skills, both verbal and non-verbal, more than physical attributes. Additionally, due to the intimate nature of the activity the full range of human emotions such as jealousy and suspicion as well as happiness and satisfaction come into play. This is true for any situation involving more than one person, but it is especially true in group sex situations. Here, people are aroused, expecting to have sex very shortly, possibly intoxicated with alcohol and/or other drugs, and most likely in the company of their intimate partner. This is a fuckin' minefield! If you are in a monogamous/ exclusive relationship, there are a number of things which I believe you can do to minimise the likelihood of your play causing relationship fallout. Although this page assumes that sex is preceded by some discussion and negotiation between participants, many points are equally valid for anonymous contact in a darkened room. Those that are interested in this topic should read The Ethical Slut (Dossie Easton and Catherine A Liszt, Greenery Press, San Francisco, 1997); this seems to be the premier text on this subject.
For everyone:
- insist on safer sex for everyone. This should always be a non-negotiable rule anyway.
- sometimes you need to be prepared to go with the flow of a new situation. Just because you weren't expecting something doesn't mean you shouldn't embrace it (and if you're in a couple, as long as you both embrace it together). For example, maybe there's a really hot girl at the party. Well, you thought she was a girl... maybe she's not really a girl? So what if she's not? If you can't tell the difference, does it really matter? You might have more fun finding out than if you'd left yourself closed to the idea.
- don't overdo the alcohol; if you can't enjoy alternative sex without being drunk, then it's probably a good indication that this activity/event/lifestyle is not for you.
- I do not recommend swinging with people who are friends; there's too much potential to lose the friendship, and there are plenty of other fish in the sea. However, I understand that sometimes it just happens. Some swinging partners may become friends, and that's OK because the nature of the relationship was already sexual.
- I find I enjoy myself more if I go to a party without a pre-conceived idea of what I'm going to do. That way, whatever happens is always a surprise. Many of my hottest sexual experiences have appeared right out of the blue and I never saw them coming.
- be realistic about your options. For example, at couples parties I have found that the most attractive couple at the party sometimes decides to play with the second most attractive couple. If you are the fourth most attractive couple, and you wanted to play with the most attractive couple, you may well not get a look-in. You should instead seek the most desirable couple, or the most appropriate couple. Remember that physical attractiveness is not always a good indication of how well you will click sexually or emotionally with another couple1. Be prepared to find others who you may not initially have seen as good prospects, but who on closer inspection may in fact be more appropriate to you anyway. This is not meant disrespectfully, but I do find that some of the more attractive people who attend such events are woefully inadequate conversationalists anyway. Clearly conversation is not necessarily the key aim, but it certainly helps if people can string two words together.
- don't be afraid to take a step backwards and have some time out. That, after all, is why the party has a chill-out area.
If you are a couple:
- if this your first time swinging, carefully consider beforehand how you think you'll react to seeing someone else having sex with your partner. Some people think they'll be OK with it, and then freak out when the reality hits home.
- settle any outstanding disputes or disagreements before the party. If you are in the middle of a disagreement, carefully consider whether a play party is a good idea right now. Also agree never to bring up anything which happens at the party in any future arguments.
 - bear in mind that getting together
with another couple is harder than finding a single person, because each person has to not only be OK with
the person they'll be with, but also with the person who'll be with
their partner. Consider this diagram: the blue couple,
A and B, want to shag the red couple, C and D. However, not only does
female A have to find male D attractive, and B has to find C
attractive, but A also has be OK with C screwing her partner and B has
to be comfortable with D fucking his. Vice versa, D also has to be OK
with B doing C. Thus, there are actually eight person-to-person
connections that have to be made before things can proceed, as opposed
to four connections if it's a couple trying to pick up a single person.
The
exception, of course, is if you don't care and you decide to just fuck
someone you don't really like anyway.
- set some limits on what is and isn't acceptable. Talk through some possible scenarios (see the box at right), especially those that you know one of you is sensitive about. - it may help if you agree to play only as a couple. If you are a single person: - be sensitive to the relationship needs of couples. A couple playing with another single person may not necessarily appreciate you joining the scene. You may get a negative reaction from a partner, which may see you asked to leave the venue. |
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1 One of the hottest playmates I've ever had was not particularly conventionally attractive, but had a really full-on sexuality that made her an absolute freakin' handful in bed.
This
site deals with the nuts and bolts of alternative sexual activities. It
does not deal with emotional aspects. People considering engaging in
partner- swapping activities should consider carefully the emotional
consequences of seeing their partner having sex with a stranger.
See also:
More information:
Quote: "We are always running into issues about the unfamiliar: the lesbian who has never been naked in the presence of men, much less gotten fucked; the gay man who fears judgement from women, or violence from straight men; the transgendered woman who gets to wonder if that person who is so attracted to her knows what she's got under her skirt, and does she care, and if she cares what is she going to do?"
-The Ethical Slut, p263, D. Easton & C. Liszt, Greenery Press, 1997